There and Back Again
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
–Proverbs 3: 5-6
I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.
–John 12:46
My growing up in California was not always easy. There was divorce, addiction throughout my family, abandonment, and later, a few poor choices of my own. At 23, I was in a dark place feeling hopeless, sad, and stuck. I lived with a couple who had lovingly taken me under their wing, and they decided to move to Tennessee to start a church. They graciously welcomed me to go with them. I was scared but felt that maybe this was the change I needed. On a hot day in May 1993, I got into my car with all of my belongings and began a journey with them across the country. Once landed, I got a job, eventually met my husband, found a church I loved, and began to build a better life for myself. California remained a place that conjured up feelings of hurt and pain, so I did my very best to return there (physically and mentally) only when I absolutely had to.
By the age of 32, Chris and I had been married for four years and had two boys, ages 11 months and 3 ½ years old. A new hope had grown in me. I had a husband who loved and protected me, a great family and children that I loved deeply. A life that I never imagined would be mine, finally was.
One night in January of 2002, our phone rang. It was my mom calling from California to tell me my grandma’s colon cancer had returned and spread to her liver. She asked if I could come back and help care for her during the day since I did not work. I loved my grandma but I was hesitant. I was finally in a place of light and didn’t want to return to a place that felt dark, especially for an undetermined amount of time. I also didn’t want to leave my husband, who I had come to depend of for a sense of security. But after some encouragement from Chris, I decided I would go. He reminded me that it was important to take care of family. He told me that I was strong enough to do it and reminded me… that it wasn’t about me. It was about my grandma. He felt like I would regret it if I didn’t go. So, that night I bought plane tickets for myself and my boys and soon we started a journey back to California.
What happened over the next 5 weeks was not at all what I expected. As my siblings, my mom, and I took care of my grandma something strange happened. We managed to put our hurts and differences aside. We loved and comforted each other and worked together to make my grandma’s last days peaceful. We stayed up late at night remembering our growing up. We talked about hard things, but we also talked about good things. I began to realize that the good was there, the bad had just pushed it into the far corners of my mind. We talked about trips to my grandma’s house at the beach. The secret drawer full of goodies she always had for us at her house. The way she taught us to play cards, and how to set a table, and how to play tennis. The way she made us Shirley Temples at five o’clock every night when she made herself a 7 and 7.
I found myself taking my boys to the park to play, the same park that I played in as a child. I actually began to feel a sense of “home”. It was as if God was reminding me of all the good things I had forgotten, memories that had felt extinguished by darkness. God was showing me light. I began to realize that people, places, and times aren’t 100% good or bad, but a mixture of both.
Five weeks after I arrived, my grandma passed away. It was one of the saddest and most beautiful things I ever experienced all rolled into one. Her illness and death brought us all together and served as a facilitator for transformation and healing. Strangely, I found myself feeling sad about leaving the exact place to which I was afraid to return. It wasn’t that my memories of the hard things were wrong, but more like they had been changed. They were still there, but their rough edges had been smoothed, allowing them a more comfortable place inside of me.
Two journeys. Different, but with some similarities. Both long. Both hard. Both beautiful. Both requiring change. Both transforming. Both worth every mile. For the change they facilitated in my life, I am forever grateful.
Dear God, thank you for the birth of your Son and sending him to Earth to be the Light of the World. Help me to never become stagnant in my growth with You and thank You for my transformation. Amen